It’s that time of year again! You know, that time when you receive those obnoxious newsletters from distant family & friends….the one that updates you on every single detail of their lives for the past 12 months?
Here’s an example of one I’ve received before, no joke: “Oh dear! Forgot to mention! Billy and Barbara are no longer together! It appears that Barbara had too much to drink one night at her company Christmas party and got involved with a co-worker. By the time Billy found out, it was too late.”
So here’s my Christmas Newsletter Parody:
Dear So & So:
Greetings! Man it’s cold outside. I would love to just cuddle up in my slanket, drink some beer and watch old movies. Instead, I have to sit here, at my desk, next to the drafty window, to respond to your ridiculous newsletter.
Although it troubles me that Aunt Edna broke her hip in March, I wish you would have told me THEN. It’s December. Now if I call her, I look like the inconsiderate bastard child of her dear brother Frank who also forgot her birthday. Thanks again.
How wonderful of Mikey to be accepted to Community College! Yay!!! But don’t you think it’s about time? I mean he has been living in your basement for the last 34.5 years while on and off rehab. I wish him the best. Don’t forget to lock up your family jewels!
You bought a new boat? Wow! What was wrong with the old one that you bought 3 months ago? Oh, my bad...you are just trying to throw it in my face that you have more than me. Got it.
I can’t believe Jethro passed on...good to know though that you kept him on life support for as long as you could until he choked on his own vomit. Can’t wait to have turkey and all the fixins now!!! Thanks for sharing.
I didn’t know so many wines existed! I enjoyed your recap of all the wine tours you went on this year complete with how each one tasted paired with your favorite cheese and chocolates. I don’t think my year would be complete without such pertinent information.
I won’t be responding to the rest of your letter. I’m drunk, divorced, covered in cat hair and could give a flying toot toot about how Uncle Edgar gardens using cow dung instead of fertilizer.
I was watching Rudolph and now I’m watching He’s Really NOT That Into You. I’ve eaten a whole package of oreos and chased them with a bottle of wine because my milk is spoiled. You’ve depressed me into a drunken comatose of hallucinations. Thanks again.
P.S. UNSUBSCRIBE ME from next year’s letter.
P.S.S. Thanks for the lovely family photo. I needed some kindling to light the fire.